Crossing the Bridge I Never wanted to Cross

Holliwell Bridge, Madison County, Iowa

I always knew this was coming.  From the time I was a very little girl, I was regularly reminded that my parents were OLD.  I knew my childhood with my older parents was different than all my friends.  I knew there were plenty of things they could not do with me that they talked about doing with my older brothers and sisters.  I knew I missed out on all the FUN my brothers and sisters had growing up together.  But I had something they didn't have.  TIME alone with Mom and Dad every day!

If life is a road we travel down, it it sometimes rough.  Sometimes it has hidden curves we don't expect.  Sometimes the road is completely gone from under us and we have to cross a bridge.  The bridge I am thinking of is the bridge of losing my parents.  I have dreaded it since I was a little girl. {I thought they were going to die of old age when I was in elementary school, haha!}

On the 4th of July I could see the bridge in the distance.  I sensed that this was Dad's last 4th of July parade.  A week later he fell, and as a result of his pain, his eating was dropped to barely enough to survive.  He talked of dying on a regular basis.  At the end of October that bridge became much closer when Dad was hospitalized with congestive heart failure.  I had a feeling he would make it past Christmas when he could see his family together one last time, then go.  "Christmas" was postponed to January 11 due to weather.  January 10 he was hospitalized again, with congestive heart failure. The hospital said they had never seen so many visitors for one person before. After the draining of the fluids he was sent home to Hospice care because there was "nothing they could do to help him."

We visited him the next day and took lots of pictures with Grandpa... each one of us.  By Saturday the decline was huge.  He didn't recognize me at first. {OUCH!}  Monday he was admitted into the nursing home because he could no longer get himself up to use the bathroom.  For 12 days he laid in bed, mostly sleeping, but showing love until he completely lost control of his body and speech.  Finally on Friday, January 31, 3:30 pm, with his loving wife of 68 years, his two youngest daughters and his only living son at his side, he breathed his last.  RELEASED! from the arthritis pain he suffered with for decades, the shortness of breath he suffered due to a lung mass and fluid in his lungs.  NO more pain.  NO more sorrow.

I am so thankful to have had my parents this long!  Mom was 45 and Dad 51 when I was born!  I never imagined that my own sweet babies would be so blessed as to have memories with them, but they do.  Sweet memories.  Not of Grandpa taking them fishing, or Grandma fixing a fabulous Sunday dinner like their older cousins remember... but knowing that even from their lift chairs, Grandma & Grandpa loved them and were always interested in what they had to say or show them.  It has been hard on all of us, without exception.  

You will be missed, Fillmore Donald Dale!  But we will never forget your smile, your laugh, they way you would always acted like you were going to bite us if we got near your mouth... or your unconditional love.

Mama is so heartbroken, she feels lost.  We are doing our best to show her love and help where possible, but the emptiness has no relief.  It is always there.  That is a lot of pain and stress for a frail 88 year old woman.  As we finish crossing this bridge and put our feet on the ground again after the funeral, another bridge appears in the distance.

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NOTE:  At one time, Dad lived up the hill and around the corner from the Holliwell Bridge in Madison County, Iowa.

The Other Side

It was just an email.

But the words, to me, were shocking.... and cutting.

They were helpful suggestions but to me were presented in a selfish, judgmental way.  I felt attacked.  I was hurt.

I was angry!  

I knew I shouldn't have let it bother me, but rather just roll with it.  But I just couldn't.  I was too mad!  I also knew that if I didn't handle it properly, I could hurt their reputation, my own, and worse yet, my Savior's.  So I did something I hadn't done for a few weeks.... I went to the Word.  I knew I couldn't face this person, or handle this situation on my own.  I knew I would lash out or slander or accuse and I really really didn't want to do that!  I wanted to honor the Lord, but I just couldn't handle it!

The ladies retreat I had gone to with my church group just a few days prior did a study on Mary and Martha.  I learned a lot about my self during those three retreat sessions!  As I read through the booklet, looking for ways to tame the Martha in me, I found Hebrews 12:14-15:

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord;

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God;

lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, 

and thereby many be defiled.

I read this, and re-read it, and re-read it again.  "Lord, I just can't do this!  You have to do it for me!"

Now I know what it is like to be on the other side of the fence; he receiver of such criticism.  How often have I been the one offering "helpful suggestions" that, I am sure, were equally - if not more- harsh and hurtful.

I was also very careful not to talk to too many people about the situation.  I only talked to the necessary people to handle the situation.  I didn't even want to tell Hubby, because I knew his protective hairs would stand on end and I didn't need encouragement to be more angry!  I only told those who could help, and pray.  {I was trying to be wise!}

Thankfully the story has a happy ending!  I knew people were praying for me, and the Holy Spirit was working.  The eve before I had to face this person again, I had peace!  The Spirit of forgiveness I had been asking for came.  I had peace.  When it came time to face the music, God had not only given me peace, but also joy.  I had learned many valuable lessons:

1.  Keep your mouth shut!

2. Take it to the ONE who can fix the situation.

3. Ask for prayers from the people involved-- or the un-involved, 

who have no idea who the offending party is.

4. Submit to the Lord's help for which I so fervently asked.

~Judy

Why I haven't been blogging

source

I decided at the beginning of the summer that we needed to "unplug." Less T.V. and computer, more God. Once I got off the computer,  I realized how much of my time gets sucked away when I am on it! I also realized how I really, really, really needed to be more of a "present mom." Not presents like gifts, but present like really there!  When I'm not "really there," well, you know the saying... "When the cat's away, the mice will play!"  Messes. Fighting.  Sin.  Not the godly character I would like to cultivate in my children!  At the end of each day I would realize, another day had gone by without reading Scripture or praying with them.  My excuse was, "that's Dallas' responsibility," which is true, but his job is different from week to week and he is not always able to get it into his schedule, either.  So it's my responsibility, as well!

Something else I have been working on all summer is getting my thoughts organized, then getting them on paper, then following the plan.  Once upon a time, I had a notebook organizer.  I made it up myself, with printed planner sheets from MicrosoftWorks and plain notebook paper.  The dividers were recycled from something else, I just flipped them over and wrote on the backs.  I had everyone trained to just look in the book for chores, shopping list, homeschool contacts, etc.  And guess what... it worked!  It worked really well, too!  At that time I had three high schoolers, one little'un in school, and then came the babies... February 2003, October 2004,  July 2006, and June 2009.  Throw in six wrestling seasons, Hubby's bout with cancer, rebellious teenagers and very little sleep.  Oh, and my health crashed. (Barely any progesterone and phase II adrenal fatigue.)  All I could do was survive.  Barely.

Anyway, I forgot all about that handy-dandy notebook organizer!  The Holy Spirit poked and prodded at me all summer to get an organizer.  I really didn't want to make one again, so I looked and looked and looked online for the "perfect" notebook to buy.  Several had a lot of what I needed but not ALL of what I needed, and they are expensive.  So guess what?  I made one after all!  I need full-size pages (I am less likely to lose it that way!)  I need a weekly planner with lots of writing space per day, a calender, a menu plan, and a shopping list.  I found just what I needed at Organized Home.  I went to Staples and bought dividers with built-in folders to store pages that don't have holes.  My other sections include: schedules (MicrosoftWord2007), cleaning schedules from Money Saving Mom, chore charts from Homeschooling at the Speed of Life, Bible, (just different ideas I find or notes), goals (ideas from Sarah Mae), old menu plans to refer back to, and a school section, with attendance charts, notes from homeschool conventions of the past, copies of CPI forms,  copy of supervising teacher contract, etc. The theme of this organizer is

"The wise woman builds her house, 

But the foolish pulls it down with her hands."

Proverbs 14:1 

source

(This verse and picture is on the front cover of my notebook.)

Now that I have my organizer all organized (he-he) all I have to work on is, "eh-hem", #1 NOT letting it get buried on my desk*blush*, and #2  following it!  I honestly don't know which one is harder!  Really!!!  I have come to realize a little bit of rebellion in my heart when it comes to following a plan rather than being lazy.  (I am praying about a submissive spirit in this area!)

Through all the toil I also suffered with some depression.  I have a lot of back and neck pain and normally visit my chiropractor weekly.  But our insurance decided I go too much, I guess, because they have cut me off.  So every visit comes out of pocket now.  I have suffered more aches and pains than any 40-year-old should have!  Sometimes the pain was debilitating.  That's depressing.  We made our first real estate investment and it made a huge impact on our finances up front. (We're pretty broke until we get the house ready for a renter.)  That's depressing.  I could hardly walk through my basement due to piled-up junk, misplaced toys, and construction supplies.  That was frustrating, and a tough task to attack while having a lot of hip pain, especially while going up & down stairs.

But God is good!  He is patient!  And He wants me to ask for His help- which is a good thing since I need so much of it!!

I also haven't blogged much because my computer was in the shop several times.  Mr. Fix-It did a clean up but couldn't find anything seriously wrong--- at first.  He ended up saving all our data, wiping out the computer and re-installing the programs.  When that didn't work, he told me that it is just time to get a new one.  (Not what you want to hear when you are flat broke.)  So I am still using it, and asking God to heal it.  So far its working!  But next time I drop off the face of the earth, that just might be WHY!

If anyone actually had the patience to read this entire article, thank you for your time and patience!  I know, Laurie, you are probably the only one, so, thank you!

Judy

When times get tough...

I have tried to keep all of my (few) posts fun and up-beat.  But when something TERRIBLE happens to one of your kids, it is hard to think of something worth smiling about.  Tyler ended a bad relationship and it turned out to be a nightmare.  Please pray for God's comfort on him, and for God's righteousness to rule.  I guess when Momma prays, "bring him to his knees,"  you just don't know what you are going to get.  With some people it doesn't take much.  With others it takes a lot.  And still, others just never learn.  I believe Tyler has learned a lot this time!  I am glad he lives close so we can be there to help him pick up the pieces, and for our homeschool community who has been so helpful and supportive (at least the ones who know what is going on.)  We mommas need each other.  Our experiences help us to help each other.  Sharing these experiences draw us closer to each other, as we point each other to the cross.  Praise the Lord.  Pray for Tyler and some of the decisions he needs to make regarding the situation.