I was in church this morning, singing hymns I have always loved. Songs that remind us of what we have to look forward to when God calls us home. Songs about the joys and hope of Heaven. But this time it stirred memories of my Dad lying in bed... dying. I know where he is and I wouldn't want him back in his tired, achy old body for anything! But those Hospice days were unforgettable.
I am also having strange thoughts and fears about losing someone else close to me, particularly my children or my husband.
Most of the time I just feel numb. Maybe that is why the emotions are so strong when they do hit?
I am finding it hard to pray, too. I feel disconnected from myself and from God.
I am thankful I don't have to go through this alone. My husband and children are right here with me. They grieve in different ways. Some of the children have had dreams of Grandpa. Sometimes one of them will randomly cry, or just go off by themselves. Today, when I was having a hard time, Dallas listened, and then just held me in his arms for a long time while I rested... and cried.... and rested some more.
Trust and time. I guess trust and time are the only things to help a grieving person. Trusting God to get my through this time.